My ode to Weird Al

Because you didn’t demand it! He’s an artist no one ever acknowledges of being brilliant.

HERE IN MY EYES IS HIS GREATEST HITS!

#10

#9

#8

#7

#6

#5

#4

#3

#2

#1

FOX’S 2011 FALL SCHEDULE

Movie Review: Beowulf & Grendel

Coming in at number eight is retelling of an ancient legend:

8: BEOWULF AND GRENDEL (2005)
Over the years, there have been several versions of Beowulf made. There was that horrendous Christopher Lambert futuristic BEOWULF in 1999 and the CGI-Animated 3D one in 2007.

(On a side note, why does every Christopher Lambert future movie suck but we can forgive him when he’s playing a guy in the past? The only future one that was any good was 1992′s FORTRESS.)

Anyway back to the business at hand, Beowulf & Grendel was an attempt to tell the Beowulf legend as close to authentic as they could. It was filmed in the frigid temperatures of Iceland by a native Icelandic director Sturla Gunnarson, who now lives in Canada.

The movie deviates from the legend some as it expands certain elements. The biggest problem with Beowulf & Grendel is just how slow the movie is. For 102 minute movie it feels like forever. A Pre-300 Gerard Butler gives his all as the arrogant hero Beowulf. Stellan Skarsgard’s Hrothgar is prominent but also forgettable. And a scene stealer is Sarah Polley, who plays the witch Selma and helps Beowulf track Grendel.

The film’s huge flaw is the dialogue. The cursing and carrying on is reminiscent of Deadwood and just feels way out of place in the wilds of Iceland. On the flipside, the costumes, armor and ruggedness of the film is brilliant.

3 out of 5

Coming tomorrow, a noble knight from the world of Middle Earth becomes a lost and confused viking who is raised by a tribe of Indians.

Movie Review: The Norseman (1978)

 

The movie stars The Six Million Dollar Man’s Lee Majors as the Viking prince Thorvald (wow, another Viking called Thor, how original!) who travels to the New World to free his father who has been captured by Indians.

Majors is the only Viking on our list with no beard. He had a very strenuous schedule while shooting Six MIllion Dollar Man. If you know the series then you know that Lee Majors’s cheesy 70′s porn mustache was also a huge part of the series fourth season. The “stache” even leaked into the merchandising. The Norseman was filmed during the Six MIllion Dollar Man’s final season and you can tell that Majors was exhausted. He wasn’t himself.

The movie is completely silly but memorable. If you can forget the fact that Majors looks nothing like a Viking and he is dressed in what looks like traditional Roman armor. And what is probably the biggest laugh of the film is his ridiculous helmut that you see in the poster above. All I can say about this is, well, it was the 70′s. There are just so many ridiculous things abound in this movie but at least it’s watchable.

2.5 out of 5

Coming tomorrow, is a more traditional Viking movie based on an ancient poem.

Movie Review: The Berserker

Thor may be hammering its way to the top of the box office. But he is hardly the first Viking warrior to grace the silver screen. Norse mythology is incestuous, twisted, blood-stained and fruitful. Thor is hardly a tip of the iceberg.

While Thor is probably more inspired by Norse myth than a true representation. (Norse Deities are not aliens or portal jumpers) It does try to establish some great Norse characters like the doomed brotherly love between Thor and Loki. Odin, ruler of Asgard, Heimdall the valiant guardian of the Rainbow Bridge and well the war with the Frost Giants.

Taking into consideration these beloved characters and bringing the ideas of Vikings back down to Earth we begin our list with 2004′s Berserker.

10: BERSERKER (2004)
This direct-to-DVD movie barely beat out the Viking Sagas for the #10 spot because of just how weird it is and like Thor proves that if you mess with the Norse God dynamic your movie falls a part. The movie is based on the Norse myth where Odin has imprisoned one of his most beautiful Valkyries Brunhilda (yes, to Viking’s that’s a hot name) and only a warrior pure in heart can free her. Thor gets a hard-on for his hammer, the warrior in this movie gets a hard-on for, well, hottie Kari Wuhrer.

The movie desperately tries to hold together but the whole Viking/Norse mystique vanishes when the movie flashes forward to present day. They wanted to turn the whole Brunhilda storyline into a doomed lovers storyline where the hero tries to save his love but fails and keeps getting reborn until he can save her. Think Highlander except this guy’s really, really horny!

I put the movie ahead of Viking Sagas only because while they are both horrendous movies, this one does have Craig Sheffer and Kari Wuhrer, who I do have a soft spot for.

2.5 out of 5

Come back tomorrow for #9 as we count them down. Here’s a hint this Viking has “six million” reasons to be on our list.

Retro Review: Count of Monte Cristo

Alexandre Dumas is alive and well in the re-telling of his epic story about lies, betrayal, love, imprisonment, revenge, and eventually justice. Dumas’ timeless tale has weaved through Hollywood since its awakening in the silent era of feature films. The “Count” was first chronicled in a 1913 film starring James O’Neill as Edmond Dantes. Since that awakening there have been over 35 films dedicated to unearthing this epic story that was originally conceived in 1844. This epic story is definitely timeless.

The 2002 version starts off with Edmond Dantes (Jim Caviezel) and Fernand Mondego (Guy Pearce) as best friends who end up having to bring their ship’s captain to the isle of Elba. Upon that isle is the exiled emperor Napoleon Bonaparte who wishes Edmond to deliver a letter to an old friend in Marseilles.
Upon his return to Marseilles, Edmond is betrayed by two of his friends in connection to Napoleon’s letter.

Edmond is ripped away from his fiancé, Mercedes (Dagmara Dominczyk) and thrown into a cryptic prison governed by a ruthless warden (Michael Wincott). There Edmond meets Faria (Richard Harris) who teaches him about the world and about the treasure of Monte Cristo. Edmond plots his revenge and a way to escape. What will happen when Edmond lets loose his wrath upon his ex-friends? Will they remember him after being gone some 16 years?

What can you say about an epic timeless tale that seems to get better with age? I can remember the 1975 version starring Richard Chamberlain as an epic tale. But what director Kevin Reynolds (Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves) has dreamed up this time may even dwarf that version.

First off, this film is very Kevin Reynolds. It’s a story about good vs. evil and a heroic story flowing in between. In other Reynolds’ films like “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves”, “Waterworld” and “Rapa Nui”, we all had materials for an epic struggle between good vs. evil. Aside from Reynolds’ “187”, that seems to be a staple for a Reynolds’ films. This epic heroism flows through “Count of Monte Cristo” like a brush oozing with paint and we embrace it.

Jim Caviezel (“Angel Eyes”, “Frequency”) delivers the best performance I think I have ever seen him do. I haven’t thought much of Caviezel after he burst into the Hollywood spotlight in “Thin Red Line” but this film really allows me to see a “new” Jim. I like how he slowly evolves Dantes from being innocent and naïve to being heroic and malevolent.

I was also impressed with the performance of his nemesis Guy Pearce. Pearce continues to impress after he dazzled us last year in “Memento”. I can’t wait to see what he does when he stars in another literary classic “The Time Machine” this March. Pearce has a torment swelling up in his eyes in some of the scenes that is utterly precious to watch.

For actor Michael Wincott this is kind of a reunion. Wincott also starred in Reynolds’ “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves” as Guy of Gisborne and also starred in another Dumas epic “The Three Musketeers” in 1993.

Another thing I really enjoyed about this film was the locations in which it is filmed. The giant cliffs, caverns, and villas are just oozing with grandeur as this story unfolds. I also loved the final scene’s waving blades of grass with tiny pathways through the vibrant green. The film is amazing to look at from this perspective as you can’t possibly believe this epic could be told anywhere else.

I have always been a fan of swashbuckling duels and the battles in here are nicely choreographed. I was nice to see a film return to this kind of swordplay.

My only main problem with “Count” was that the scenes between Harris and Caviezel are long and drawn out. I felt the film spent too much time inside the prison. I wanted to see more of what was going on outside the prison.

I would have liked to have seen the film focus more on Edmond’s vengeance plan then on two ragged and ruined men. I would have also liked seeing more of what was happening between Mercedes and Mondego. Mercedes comes off as quite cold and cruel through some parts of the film. At least that is how I saw it.

This film is a great and wild return to the land of Dumas unlike what “The Musketeer” did last year. I do hope to see more of the lesser known Dumas stories come to Hollywood because a lot of those people know little about them.

Long Live, Alexandre Dumas.

(4 out of 5)

So Says the Soothsayer.

You can read the original literary classic online at this website. Enjoy!

http://www.literature.org/authors/dumas-alexandre/

Retro Review: American Wedding

2001’s “American Pie 2” was some what of a disappointment to a lot of die-hard fans of the 1999 original film. There were a lot of awkward moments, useless cameos and returning regulars who had little purpose of being there. Placing that aside the second film did have the classic superglue scene and the Stifler-lesbians scene. The sequel was fun but didn’t even come close to the original. Now it has come down for one more trip back to the bakery with “American Wedding”.

Jim (Jason Biggs) and his sweetheart Michelle (Alyson Hannigan) have decided to take the next step and get married. Jim’s friends Finch (Eddie Kay Thomas) and Kevin (Thomas Ian Nicholas) have decided to help out their friend with the wedding. Michelle’s parents (Fred Willard and Deborah Rush) and younger sister Cadence (January Jones) fly in for the festivities.

The only thing standing in the way of a perfect wedding is renegade party-man Steve Stifler (Seann William Scott) who has his eye on Michelle’s sister Cadence and thinks Jim should have a huge bachelor party. Can the gang keep Stifler in check long enough for Jim and Michelle to have their dream wedding? What is Stifler’s hidden secret and why does Jim need it so bad to make his big day perfect?

“American Wedding” is a glorious return to what made the original film so wonderful. The jokes and hi-jinx don’t let up as a more trimmed down gang makes for better chemistry and momentum. From the opening sequence to the final nuptials, this film doesn’t stop with the humor.

What is a shock is that this is more Stifler’s movie than Jim or Michelle’s. Stifler’s character steals every scene he is in and the Adam Herz’s screenplay is brilliant in how he weaves Stifler into the very fabric of the film. There is a reason why he is in every scene.

Finch was always my favorite of the whole “American Pie” alumni because he was so much different than the other characters. Finch was always very reserved and cool at the same time. He wasn’t an imbecile like Stifler or awkward like Jim just cool. His whole “Mrs. Robinson” styled fixation did get tiring in the second film but Eddie Kay Thomas still was funny. Finch is also very reserved here but his almost straight-man mentality was really great for Stifler to bounce off of. The straight men of a comic duo never get the credit they deserve. I really do miss his short-lived WB series “Off Centre”.

There are so many classic and stellar comedy bits in “Wedding” and as it was with my reviews of the previous films, no spoilers here. Maybe one little tease, you will never look at a wedding cake or a chocolate truffle the same way again.

(4 out of 5) So Says the Soothsayer.

Retro Review: American Pie 2

“American Pie” was the $101 million dollar comedy of two years ago that basically single-handedly rejuvenated the gross-out comedy genre. Pie continued on the tradition set-up by the now classic, “There’s Something About Mary”. Can a sequel to one of the most successful gross-out comedies of all time save the now quickly fading genre?

“American Pie II” picks up after the original cast had just finished their first years of college. The original cast is all here for a second slice of “American Pie” from the “Sherminator” to “Jim’s Dad” to the two guys who screamed, “she’s a MILF” in the original film.

After the original film’s four central boys (Jason Biggs, Chris Klein, Eddie Kay Thomas, and Thomas Ian Nicholas) come home they decide to have a summer they will never forget as they rent a lush beach house. Each boy still seems to have a problem of some sort with the opposite sex and the typical sexual innuendoes transpire. Each boy will learn a little about sex, life and love as the summer unfolds.

“American Pie II” starts off as a great follow-up as it seems to jump right back into the same slant as the original. You are delighted by the reunions and the hilarious situations that fill the first two thirds of the film. There are such clever moments that you wonder if this film is just more of the original film.

I won’t discuss or spoil any of the films highest jokes but I will say just when I thought that they couldn’t get wilder this film does. I loved all the great key moments and yearned to see more of the cleverness. There are classic “Stifler” moments that will make you howl. I also loved a lot of the lines from Jim’s Dad who steals a lot of the jokes from Jim in the early scenes. There is even one scene that may just top the classic pie scene from the original. It even echoes one of the great scenes from “There’s Something About Mary”.

The biggest let down of “Pie 2” is the ending. Like a lot of comedies in recent years this film falls flat on its butt as it concludes. This ending was such a disappointment that it left me quite disappointed since I loved the first film so very much.

The ending relationships seem forced and only really two make any sense. It’s a shame because this sequel had a lot of potential to be a really excellent one like last week’s “Rush Hour 2”.

(3.5 out of 5) So Says the Soothsayer.

Side Note: I kept this review short because I didn’t want to spoil any of the great jokes in this film like a lot of the media has done in recent weeks. If you want me to clarify my position on what I felt was the matter with the film’s third act then write me.

WTF News: The new Looney Tunes Show

Seriously, the Looney Tunes cartoon show is about Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck as roommates (ie: The Odd Couple) and in the first episode they go on a Dating Game-like game show to test their friendship.

That’s your premise? Have you ever seen Merry Melodies? Or maybe even an episode of Tiny Toons? C’mon you must have seen a Roadrunner cartoon at some point!

Also why is Bugs Bunny purple?

This is the dumbest cartoon premise since Gilligan’s Planet or that Rambo cartoon. What’s next Tom & Jerry are a couple of gay guys living in Queens???

Looney Tunes worked before because it was a series of silly and zany sketches not a sitcom! There wasn’t one laugh in the whole pilot. I mean are we really getting this desperate for new cartoons. This is an embarrassment to the legacy Chuck Jones created with Looney Tunes. Quick kill it before it multiplies.

EPIC FAIL!

Retro Review: American Pie

If you can remember the release of a little crude movie called “Porky’s”?

Then you will half grasp where American Pie is going. Porky’s talked about the sexual expectations and exploration of guys in their late teens.

The male teens in Porky’s were always dreaming up ways to peep into the girls locker-room, and how could they score with the head cheerleader. The Porky’s movies even spawned into a franchise trilogy. Another crude movie series followed Porky’s known as “Revenge of the Nerds”.

Well it’s the end of the century and it looks like we have another crudeness winner in “American Pie”. The innocent “Porky’s” charm is there but the writers of this latest entry bring smarter women to the script and a lot more humor. I don’t ever remember rolling in the aisles laughing at “Porky’s”.

Canada’s own SCTV alum Eugene Levy is a riot as he tries to teach overly conservative sex education to his coming of age son.

The film’s title and how it fits into the film is going to be a classic for years to come.

Let me do say that is this film is in the same category as last summer’s bonanza hit “There’s Something About Mary” in its hilarious over the top crude humor. Do yourself a favor, skip “South Park” and see “American Pie” you won’t be sorry.

(4 out of 5)

So Says the Soothesayer.