Retro Review: Bloodrayne

Yes, that’s right I am going to review the infamous film from director Uwe Boll. Why?

Because director Uwe Boll has been screaming that all film critics haven’t seen his film and he dared us to.

“Bloodrayne” is based off a pair of successful vampire hybrid videogames which basically looked like “Underworld” mashed together with “Tomb Raider” except a whole lot cheesier.

The film’s plot follows Rayne (Kristanna Loken) as a dhampir or vampire-human hybrid who seems to be the savior of her world.

As a young woman she lives with a traveling circus troupe but in a “bloodlust” rage accidentally kills everyone who cares about her in the troupe. Rayne struggles with her vampire side and decides to join the Brimstone Society to fight back against other vampires. Rayne eventually learns her father is Kagan (Sir Ben Kingsley), king of the vampires.

After witnessing what I would have to say is one of the single worst films I have ever witnessed, “Alone in the Dark”, Uwe Boll’s follow-up is bolder, grander, more expensive and probably one the single grandest disasters in Hollywood history. The film looks lush, expensive and has such high quality talent as Sir Ben Kingsley and Michael Madsen.

The film reminded me a lot of those awful “Deathstalker” films from the late 1980s.

I am not sure if there are any people out there that remember them but I believe there were like four films starring titular hero Rick Hill as this sword swinging warrior in this ill-fated and ill-conceived Conan rip-off series.

The reason I remember those films when seeing this film is because of the dialogue, the acting and well the overly stupid paint gushing blood slices that happen when a person is slashed. It is just so unbelievably cheesy.

This film has to be seen to be believed. It is basically a “D-grade” direct-to-video film with a budget and A-class talent. It defies everything we know about the Hollywood system.

Don’t get me wrong it is awful but it is utterly mind-blowing to how it defies every single rule in Hollywood. Basically what it comes down to is Uwe Boll is a con-man who believes he is a director. Those poor corrupted souls who put money into this thing.

(1 out of 5)

So Says the Soothsayer.

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