To set the record straight, I didn’t endure Kevin Smith’s COP OUT, suffer through Steve Carell’s Dinner for Schmucks, take in another friggin’ Fockers sequel or play catch-up with Yogi or Marmaduke. Any of those movies could be worse than my worst five of 201o. But that is a reason why I call this “worst movies I saw”.
10. ROBIN HOOD
It really saddens me to put a Ridley Scott movie on my list. For as far back as I can remember (okay Alien), Ridley has been the man and probably my favorite modern filmmaker. But after 2001’s Black Hawk Down, Ridley has been struggling. Sure he show signs of brilliance but for the most part he’s 100% lost his way. Robin Hood is probably the darkest and dampest place he has yet to crawl. Not only is the film historically laughable, features Russell Crowe who looks like he just survived an 10-hour all-you-can eat marathon at the Olive Garden and probably the weakest performance of Cate Blanchett’s career but the film’s ending could be the worst of the year. (well unless you count the #8 movie on our list).
9. VAMPIRES SUCK
From the team who brought you, Superhero Movie, Meet the Spartans and Date Movie. Pokes fun at the Twilight franchise and well runs out of laughs 10 minutes in. The lone shining beacon with in this trainwreck is the performance from lead actress Jenn Proske. She is brilliant and her imitation of Kristen Stewart is dead on. (pardon the pun) Proske deserves another shot at a decent project. I have my fingers crossed. As for parodies, I really miss the Zuckers and Jim Abrahams!
Okay visually and the harrowing effects are dead on. Yes, I know it was made from leftovers from Battle: Los Angeles. But the performances, script and that “okay we don’t give a fuck anymore” ending makes this film laughable on so many levels. And signing up Eric Balfour as the lead of the movie isn’t even half the joke to why this movie is so bad. I can say for a fact the film’s ending, I never saw that coming in a million years but in this case that wasn’t a good thing or something they even should have considered.
7. LAST AIRBENDER
M Night Shymalan takes a beautifully animated Asian-inspired cartoon about family, commitment, survival and a hero’s journey and well shites out this. When M Night started defending why he cast non-Asian actors in the leads and cast East Indians as the villains, I knew this film was in trouble. But if you can get past the obviously boring and well uninspired casting, Airbender sits there unmoving and lifeless like a determined geek trying to watch the Lord of the Rings Extended Editions in one sitting.
6. FURRY VENGEANCE
Okay, is it just me or is Brendan Fraser’s career over and someone forgot to tell him. Just when you couldn’t think this guy could sink any lowere. Here you have it! The man has been brilliant (Gods & Monsters, Crash, Quiet American) and had a stable franchise in The Mummy. But then he goes and does this. I can’t believe Brendan Fraser turned down the Journey to the Centre of the Earth sequel for this?
5. JONAH HEX
You take a comic book character that only 1 out 6 comic book nerds know. You make it the bastard cousin of the biggest eye-sore of Will Smith’s career, Wild Wild West. You get the writers of the Jason Statham movie Crank who have no idea what Jonah Hex actually is. And you throw $50 million at it. Jonah Hex was one of 2010’s biggest bombs. And rightfully so, this movie was so painful, it was like watching Megan Fox doing Shakespeare in the Park. Wait, that might be slightly better than this. Nah!
4. BOUNTY HUNTER
Jennifer Aniston is being brought in by her ex husband, played by Gerard Butler, who is a bounty hunter. Did these people not learn from the very sad film Serving Sara with Matthew Perry and Liz Hurley? I guess not because believe it or not this is quite worse. The script, the chemistry, the story, the production all are atrocious. It’s sad to see a capable director like Andy Tennant produce drivel like this.
I have said it a 1000 times before here it is again. Damnit Lorne Michaels, hear me this time. Just because a 4-5 minute skit is funny on a live TV show at 1 am means it deserves a full movie. I thought Superstar, Ladies Man, Night at the Roxbury and Hot Rod were painful but this film creates a whole new level of low for SNL to big screen adaptations. After witnessing this I almost wish SNL would get cancelled.
Like MacGruber, just because you make one cool ass funny movie trailer for a fake movie doesn’t mean it will make a good movie. Machete is beyond bad. It’s worse than the movies its trying to make fun of. Trejo has always been interesting but he is surrounded by a group of sleepwalking veterans including sell-out Robert DeNiro. The best supporting performance goes to the very underrated Jeff Fahey. Even ample flesh from Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Alba can’t save this flick. Sure the overly silly gore shots are fun and Trejo but that is all quickly forgotten when the camera flips to Alba. A telephone pole has more emotional depth than Alba.
1. HUMAN CENTIPEDE
How the fuck do movies like this get made? I mean I wanna meet the producer who sunk money into this because boy do I have a script for him. It’s called HUMAN COCKROACH and it would be his life story. Centipede is one of those films that is so bad it deserves a new classification. This torture porn, human dissection and perversion of the human condition is probably the worst film of all time. This is a disgrace to the human race. After watching it, I felt like I was embarrassed to be a human being. I can’t believe they actually made a sequel!